LAMENTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS
by Faith Field
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
— Psalm 34:18
As we enter this holiday season, we anticipate feelings of both joy and heartache. Many of us are walking through family tension, broken relationships, and loss, which can bring deep sorrow. Our hearts ache for what was, what isn’t, and what may never be. The holidays can highlight the pain and brokenness we have experienced in life and within our family systems.
Scripture gives us a way to bring this pain to God through the practice of lament.
Lament is the honest expression of sorrow before a faithful God. It is where we can show up just as we are, with our big feelings, ugly tears, and temper tantrums, and tell God how angry or hurt we are. Lament is the place where we can say, “Life SUCKS, and I wish things were different.” Lament invites us to name what is broken and grieve what has been lost.
From a Bowen Family Systems perspective, lament also helps us stay genuinely connected to our families without becoming emotionally fused to them. Fusion happens when we lose our sense of self in the emotional intensity of our relationships. In fusion, our moods, reactions, and even beliefs can rise and fall with the people around us. Self-differentiation, on the other hand, allows us to stay connected while remaining grounded in who we are. It is the ability to hold onto ourselves in the presence of others, even when emotions run high and our family is annoying us.
For example, when Uncle Fred won’t stop talking about the political issues you completely disagree with, or your sister keeps reminding you how much she dislikes your current boyfriend, self-differentiation allows you to stay calm and centered. You might silently pray, “Lord, help me stay grounded, and please make them shut up,” then take a slow breath, and simply smile as you ask someone to pass the stuffing. You don’t need to defend, withdraw, or change their minds. You can stay true to yourself while still choosing kindness and connection, knowing who you are and whose you are.
When we practice lament, we are learning to tell the truth about our pain without cutting off from those we love or being swept up in their reactivity. Lament helps us release control and entrust what is broken in our relationships to a faithful God so that we can stay present, calm, and kind, even when others are not.
This holiday season, you can lament the heartbreak of your family story and still choose connection. Our prayer is that God will meet you between the sorrow and the hope, between honesty and love, because lament does not end in despair. It leads us back to the steady truth that God is with us, even in the mess of our family stories.
Takeaways:
Prepare your heart.
Set aside time to journal your fears, worries, and frustrations to God as a form of lament.
Stay grounded.
Use a small reminder like a rubber band, bracelet, or favorite outfit, to help you stay centered and true to yourself amid family dynamics.
Practice gratitude.
Each day, write down one thing you’re thankful for. Gratitude makes room for both sorrow and hope.